There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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