i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
