I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
