my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
