I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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