never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The Olympian is in my bed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
