And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think I just sharted jello shots
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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