Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
