I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
