im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
