oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Randomize
