I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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