You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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