tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
