phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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