I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
