Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
