Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
