how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
