I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
