I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
