Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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