She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
