when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
