i permit you to call me
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
