Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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