and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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