Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
