at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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