in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
