The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
