I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
