I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
