I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
worst night to have a conscience
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
