to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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