Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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