i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
