why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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