defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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