I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
