Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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