if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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