i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
