I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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