thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
