We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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