I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
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im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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