I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
