I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
