Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
