He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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