nut hugger
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
