dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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