I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
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I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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