So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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