like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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