Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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