I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
