I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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