Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
