I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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