dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
