god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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